What
do I want? That’s a pretty big question. Probably the most impossible thing to get
an answer to if there is no trust there. Even harder when direction changes
with the wind.
Right
now, I guess I don’t want what I have. It’s not bad or anything, there’s just
more than I want and twice as much as I know what to do with, and nobody around
to show me where to put it all until I figure it out.
My
biggest problem is that I have no problems, just lack of incentive to do anything
about anything. Give me a task and I’ll put it in the freezer to defrost when I
do. Ask me what I want and I will lie and shrug and tell you a million nothings
until you lose interest and stop asking. Give me money, give me food, give me
anything but help, because I don’t want it. My pride is too clever to accept because
it knows where it’s taking me, only it doesn’t always remind me where that is.
I
want to live on the beach, far away from people and reality. I want to see
where the horizon ends and touch it. I want to live undisturbed for a while,
when I want, whenever I need to, or don’t. Just take me there. Now would be
good.
I
want to run and run and never get tired. To eat and eat and never be full. To
cry and scream until I can feel my body aching all over, and keep going.
I
want to stop and stand and lie with someone, stare at the sky and sea and talk
about nothing until nothing runs out and we are forced to laugh and laugh until
sleep holds us tightly and doesn’t let us go until the world ends and we get
where we’re going.
I
want to be alone. But with someone, with you, with the unknown presence who
lightens my every thought and makes it seem like I have nothing to care for but
the smile on your face and the love in my soul.
I
want to cut away the flesh which I never use and se how I stand without it,
know once and forever what I need and what I don’t and get rid of the excess
and forget I ever had it.
I
want it to be there and to be gone and never have to care which it is, at least
until I die and then I will know anyway so it won’t make any difference.
I
want to sleep forever and wake up tomorrow again with everthing I know now and
everything I don’t, and figure out what to do with it all.
I
want direction, and I want you, whoever you are, so you can push out my ghosts
and make me know why they haunt me and then make me forget and be happy again.
I
want to be sick forever and be okay again tomorrow and never look back or feel
as bad as I do sometimes, because if death feels like this then it wouldn’t be
so bad to die and get it over with, then get on with the rest of it.
I
want you gone, and I want me gone, and I want to exist in happiness with everything
I have ever wanted or will ever want and never tire of it all.
I
want to be buried up to my hair so I know how it is to be truly released and
know I shall never feel as bad as I will when I am dead and nobody knows cares
where I am but me.
I
want to wake up tomorrow feeling good and jsut know what I want.
Please
I
just want to know.
